I'm not a fetishtic TV. I'm not turned on by dressing as a girl. I once was, but looking back I recall that going through puberty I seemed to be turned on by bloody everything. Even sitting on a bus would have an embarrassing effect. That’s puberty, that’s how it works. That's what being an adolescent boy is like. A few years later, when my hormones calmed down a bit, I stopped being turned on by the act of dressing as a girl.

Those days are long gone. And now it sometimes seems I’m struggling to be me. Some days it feels like everyone just wants me to be gay and I'm growing weary of it. It would be so much simpler that way. I'd fit into a nice simple box. At one point after we’d split up, even my ex girlfriend threw that in my face, and I was gutted. It’s been a long time now and I'm still going on about it, so I guess it still bothers me.

And it seems every time I go out in boy mode I keep getting told "darling you are so gay". I just think that people can pick up on the fact that I'm not a "normal" guy and the only alternative they know about is being gay. Therefore I must be gay.

All I'm trying to be is me, I realised years ago that if I was gay my life might be much easier. But I'm not and it isn't.

Recently I've made some good friends who are gay, and they've turned around and said to me that they could never do what I do. They've known so much hassle in their life’s and they look at me and go, "Oh my god what on earth is she going to get?" And they genuinely worry for me.

They've pointed out that for a gay man my Holy Grail of Passing is easy, but for me, and for girls like me, it's always going to be a dream. I smiled at first, but lately even strangers have come up and said the same.

Something that happened to me recently sums it up, one night a guy came up to me and said "you've really got balls to be in here dressed like that". The irony was lost on him.

Whatever I'm wearing I’m Karol. I don't do the split personality thing. That's who I am 24x7, full stop.

As I said, all I'm trying to be is me. Is that so terrible?

p.s.
I've tweaked this a bit since I originally wrote it as it felt a bit too raw. Also from some of the feedback I've had, it seems the title gave the impression that I was confused about my sexuality which wasn't what I was trying to say. I know exactly what my sexuality is, it's gaining acceptance of it which is the confusing thing.

This piece has also inspired an interesting thread on Beckys T*Blog.

You're lucky coz you look pretty, prettier than alot of RGs. Looks-wise I'm not in your league, but like RGs if we can make the best of what we've got and be at ease with ourselves we've won the battle, because no matter the criticism from outside we know who we are on the inside, and that's what makes us stronger people.

Yes, like you, I see no reason to distinguish just because I wear a dress one day and trousers another.

BTW, I've also been told I'm brave for wearing a dress, but for god sake I was in a gay pub at the time! :)

All I've got to say is, Go, girl!