| I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I'm at home in England and it doesn't feel real. I'm looking around at my world and it seems monochrome and lifeless and empty, I feel like an observer not a participant. The vibrancy and light of these last days with Kellee in New York linger with me, its something I can almost taste.
My bags lie abandoned in a corner, to unpack is to say its over and I don't want to say that. Not now. Perhaps not ever.
I've been on a fabulous journey, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It hasn’t been painless, and where I've ended up isn't where I thought I was heading. But these last 12 days (god, is that all?) have given me the most wonderful and beautiful experiences of my life.
I've learnt a lot about myself, and about my relationships. Not all of it flattering. But such honesty and clarity is only possible with a degree of love and intimacy which I've rarely even imagined, let alone encountered.
| Stripping down to my Calvin Klein's in the middle of a shop, and really not giving a fuck.
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It truly was an adventure, two mad bitches in sync. I could speak of the beautiful welcome, the lovely restaurant and friends, the flowers and champagne and the tears in my eyes. Or the mad nights. Of dancing to Deep Dish in a state of near panic surrounded by a thousand guys in a sea of testosterone on the dance floor at Crobar.
The joy of returning to where we first met at Cielo and holding her in my arms. The cocktail filled brunch which nearly became a dinner. And of finishing the night with a laughter filled breakfast in a totally bemused diner.
Then there was her incredible kindness which touched me so, surrounding me in love and light.
Of pampering me with a fabulous facial, and taking me for my first pedicure and a gorgeous manicure and massage. And the delight of the ladies working there at these two “odd birds” in their midst.
Of meeting Edward again, and the inspiration of seeing his beautiful friend Candis Cayne.
And stripping down to my Calvin Klein's in the middle of a shop to try dresses on because they wouldn't let me use the changing rooms, and really not giving a fuck.
Of discovering Tequila, and “banishing negativity”. And feeling so honoured to share the sounds and visions of Peru.
And learning to be beautiful, and truly living in the moment.
And swapping outfits because I like her taste more than I like mine!
Of crying at The “L” Word, and so much more. Watching her sleep, and holding her hand. My total joy at being in her world.
And my admiration when helping Kellee bring a girl back from the edge. Seeing her use her talents to prevent a poor girl from over dosing at a party when the girls own friends had deserted her. And then banishing the predators who would have so easily raped this victim in waiting.
And there was the reality of seeing a body on the sidewalk, lying in a pool of blood, unable to move, unable to speak, but the panic and fear so clear in his eyes.
Of spending our last night together at Happy Valley, surrounded by the club kids, the misfits and the fabulous. The sheer intensity and physicality of dancing like there's no tomorrow, and of praying that maybe just this once, please just this once, there wouldn't be. And finding little comfort in the thought that the next diva on their stage will be Dita Von Teese.
And the shock of twice bumping into people who knew me while out in New York. Small world? Perhaps. But god it feels big today. Far, far too big.
I've been on a fabulous journey. Its not over yet.
(You can now see a few of Kellees photos from the trip.)
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